I’m sorry for always putting you in a difficult situation, and you have to find your way out. Alone.
I’m sorry for letting you put your heart on the line, for making you believe in fairytales. I’m sorry for letting people break down your walls because you have to build them higher when they’re gone.
I’m sorry for permitting your emotions rule your head, for convincing you to have faith in the moment. They are fleeting and they almost always leave you empty. I’m sorry because I cannot keep you from trusting with all your soul, and some souls do things that erode your faith in humanity. I’m sorry for letting them make you feel like you are not enough. Like you have to climb mountains just to glimpse a ray of sunshine.
I’m sorry because when you wrestle with sleep, fighting anxiety attacks and the sense of hopelessness that follows, I cannot find a single soul you can turn to. I’m sorry because you have to get through those dreadful episodes alone. There’s no one you can call at 3 am who will listen to your worries and your fears and your doubts without you feeling like a clingy, needy and pathetic human being.
I’m sorry because your expectations don’t ever seem to align with reality. Or is it the other way around? You never demand but you expect. You expect them to reciprocate. Because you can always set aside your reading, writing and daydreaming for people you care about. Because you can drop anything you are doing to answer a question, to talk, to listen, to absorb their pain. But they forget to ask if you mean it when you say you’re fine. They never notice the desperation in your eyes, in your smile, in your voice.
I’m sorry because you no longer believe in the bullshit about things falling into place if only you’re patient enough to wait.
I’m sorry because even if you say you hate humans equally, you always try to find the good in them. Because deep down, you still believe no one is beyond redemption. You want to save them all, even if they refuse to save themselves.
It’s one hell of a place to be in, right? But you can get through that. You can and you will.
Note: I wrote this a long, long time ago, when I felt so down. Somehow it made me feel better afterwards. I cannot even accept being pitied, even if it comes from my own self.
I’m posting this now because lows, once again, linger. This is also a virtual reminder for me to finally, once and for all, stop feeling sorry for myself.