Thoughts at 3am

Sometimes you feel the ache of existing. Every breath you take requires absolute effort, as if you’re dragging it out of an abyss. Every morning takes thirty minutes for your mind to convince your body to move and face the monotonous routine that is your life. It feels horrible. You’re too young to lose your zest to live. To make matters worse, you are not depressed. You don’t even feel anything.

Or maybe that is the root of the problem. You are too complacent. Too comfortable of simply getting by that you cannot tell the difference between the highs and the lows. For you, they are all the same bump in the road you’re resigned to step on so you can get to the other side. And getting to the other side is not a purpose-driven act. You simply want to move. The static pauses now and then drive you crazy. Taking a bath, getting dressed, eating, sleeping – they are all done in mechanical precision. Not timed but they fall into place, day by day.

Numb. That’s how you describe yourself. You are numb. Numb from the sufferings around you. Numb from disappointments. Numb from wanting. Numb from dreams. Numb from any sensations.

And if you think the day is challenging, just wait for the night. Your body wants to sleep so bad it is begging you from nine to twelve to let go and allow dreams to take care of everything, but the clock ticks one and you are still wide awake, staring at the empty ceiling. What are you looking for? A sign? An insight? Enlightenment? A myriad of thoughts swirl in your head. Hopeless. It is hopeless to dwell in them. You try to swim and reach the shore, but the current takes you back to bedlam. You do not have the strength to fight so you let it carry you aimlessly. On and on it goes until you find yourself roused by the sound of the alarm.

It is six in the morning. The building dread creates havoc in your stomach. Here it goes again.

The cycle of nauseating routine begins.

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30 thoughts on “Thoughts at 3am

  1. So aptly captured by you and indeed wonderfully articulated by such lovely choice of words. We all go through this state and periodically we encounter this state of helplessness and hopelessness, there is vacuum and there is nothing. Anything that you look at we find nothing, we are in that state of numb and life seems mundane and monotony takes over us.

    We go through the grid and the day goes by and the night we wait we sees no difference, we are in that vicious cycle and the circle of life continues endless. We need the break and we need a change. We search for it in the day and we wait to search in the silence of night but we go no where and we discover nothing.

    Yes, it is so dreadful to not able to mobilize the energy to get going in the freshness of beautiful morning and we roll ourselves and push our body to get the ignition to face the day.

    Have a lovely Sunday and I’m sure you will have enough motivation to make this Sunday special and take care!!!
    πŸ˜€

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    1. “We need the break and we need a change.” Indeed we do, Nihar. Thank you for your words. I feel better these days.

      PS Will catch up on your blog soon. Have a lovely week! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes Mitch, it’s been long and so many things to do and some time we are just not in a position to balance the odds that keep coming at us…we need break and we need change to break the monotony.
        Good to hear that things are fine at your end and great to see you here. Looking forward to our discussion and yes pending from my side in reading your posts.
        take care!!!
        :D:D

        Liked by 1 person

  2. For me, my depression is most debilitating when I don’t feel anything. I fight against sadness but wilt in front of nothingness. This is a good piece. Thanks for sharing this.

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    1. I think it is really harder to deal with emptiness. When you’re sad, you can cry. But that hollow feeling inside cannot be easily filled. Thank you for reading.

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  3. it’s funny, at 3 am, 4 am, I’m wondering where all these other people are who can’t sleep. I suppose we’re online, and yet–strangely, perhaps ironically, we still never meet.

    Liked by 1 person

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