Introspection

If you are given the chance to look at yourself from a distance, completely detached, would you like what you see?

This is Karenina’s question for our monthly challenge. My post is long overdue. But I think better late than never, eh?

I don’t know how to answer this. How do you even start rummaging within your soul without destroying something in yourself?

I have attempted this before. Doing a little introspection. Reflecting about the person I have become. To be honest, I have barely skimmed the surface. It is like plunging into the ocean and believing you have seen and understood its vastness just because you got wet.

I am not who I think I am. There are things about myself that contantly surprise me. Just when I think I know her enough, she goes and does something completely out of ordinary. How can you figure out someone that complex? I think I should leave it to Harry. He knows me best, after all.

Hi, this is Harry. I’m taking it from here.

So where do we start? The thing about Mitch is that she does not even know herself.

But if there’s one thing you should know about her, it is her inability to decide what she really wants out of life. And if you ask her, she will tell you all the impossible things. Packing her bags and leaving for the mountains, for instance. And yet, when it comes to what she doesn’t want, she can be quite adamant.

Mitch doesn’t like attachments. It is not possibble to tie her down in one place unless she wills it. For her, life is a series of fleeting moments and holding on to any of them is futile. She takes one day at a time. All the tomorrows can wait.

She never lets anyone get close. And she does not say when she is sad, even if the turbulence within her becomes unbearable. When she finally finds the courage to tell the world, the storms are usually over. It is unthinkable for her to give anyone the chance to comfort her. She believes she will fall apart otherwise.
Mitch is extremely secretive. She guards her secrets the way some guard their nuggets of gold. I think she thrives in that shroud of mysteriousness. If it’s possible to camouflage with the unknown, she would.

In the surface, she often appears calm and composed. But she struggles with the turbulent emotions deep inside her heart. She feels too much. And she can be very passionate about the things she believes in. Sometimes, she can be all heart. She wants to believe the good in everyone. She refuses to concede that a person is beyond redemption. That can result to a lot of misplaced sympathy.

She is full of contradictions and she does not give a hoot about convention. Live and let live are the words she lives by. You can do your thing, and she can do hers. And she recognizes that her right ends where another’s begins.

She does not want to be boxed in a certain category or a group. She is individualistic. She can breathe after her own fashion, thank you very much. Some people call her a rebel. Her leanings have always been to the left but she wants to make it clear that she does not go out of her way to be contrary. She just is.

She was accused of being too noncomformist many times before. Well, she can’t help questioning things. And no, you don’t need to convince her to believe you. Her skepticism knows no bound. If you ask me, I think she likes muddling the waters. She is certain of uncertainties.

She does not need to be understood. She does not require an acknowledgment from anyone to validate her existence.

And she dreams. Oh, how she dreams. She lives for them. If it is permissible, she need not wake up.

Mitch is in love with the intangible things. The star-strewn skies that she regards as the heaven beyond her reach. The explosion of colors when the sun sets. The thought of possibilities and –

That’s enough, Harry. I think you’re talking too much. You can’t spill all the contents of my soul. *winks*

You might think I’m a complete lunatic with all these nonsense. And if you want to know if Harry likes what he sees, I’m pretty sure he does. We’re friends anyway.

Some people find it hard to be friends with themselves, you know. But I am. I hope it counts.

And I hope I answered the question. πŸ™‚

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34 thoughts on “Introspection

  1. A very interesting read. Do we ever discover who truly are? It’s a journey that can take any turn and depends on what vehicles you travel with and other souls you encounter along the way. I guess it’s useful though to have a few anchors to keep from being blown away, πŸ™‚

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  2. There is nothing like reading the thoughts of strangers and feeling close to kindred spirits.

    My favorite…

    β€œThe star-strewn skies that she regards as the heaven beyond her reach. The explosion of colors when the sun sets.”

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  3. Loved this insight to your mind. I too believe in questioning everything because I feel I deserve answers and without questions, you’ll never get them. it’s hard to say what you would want to see if you looked at yourself, no one wants to live with regrets. I myself is a complex kind of book, part text book and part comic book so I can not read myself as well as you can. A very interesting read, you have a new fan here.

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    1. Indeed. Asking questions can at least get us somewhere. I love how you describe yourself – part textbook and part comic book. Introspection can be a bit tricky. Thank you for dropping by and sharing your thoughts. It is greatly appreciated. πŸ™‚

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  4. You’re so cool te πŸ™‚ People has a lot of uncertainties in life and if we do introspection often may help us get to know what we really want and to reflect on the real us.

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  5. But Mitch is a beautiful person. And Mitch is Mitch, which is what makes her unique. This is the post I could not find earlier πŸ™‚ Thanks for sharing this with us. Actually, I was quite happy that this somehow seemed missing from the blog and I was quite proud of having read it as if it was written only for me and I fiercely guarded it as my property that no one else had read hahaha.. so now it is a letdown, in a way, that it is public. Hey! Just kidding..

    I like your blog very much and this post, somehow, made me feel a part of your thoughts for a while. And I truly appreciate what I saw, what I read. And like you, I do not look for approval from people, but it still feels good to be connected somehow. Thank you for this post πŸ™‚

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    1. This is the best commend I’ve ever received in wordpress. I can really tell that you read it even if it is kinda long. I might be editing it at the moment so it got lost from the public sphere for a while. This is the kind of stuff I usually write on my journal and I have second thoughts about publishing. But it was for a challenge and I owe it to my two good friends. Writing this felt like baring my soul to the world.

      Thank you for taking the time to read. I’m glad you can connect. ❀

      PS May I know what I should call you? Is Tejaswi your real name? πŸ™‚

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      1. Thanks, Mitch.. of course I did connect.. said so already πŸ™‚

        And I don’t like clicking Like mindlessly unless I read it first and really like it. In fact, even the other way round it upsets me, when at times people have clicked Like within seconds of my posting something πŸ˜€

        But you know, I appreciate your writing this. I read your About page.. and you know, that is exactly the sort of thing I asked myself. I dislike this publicity hungry crowd online, or the need to lament about oneself to the entire world, or for that matter seek succour from anyone online. Yet, when I took to blogging, I met so many talented and beautiful people. Good humans all. So, it is not such a bad thing after all πŸ™‚ I like your blog very much and I suppose I must like you as well all that much πŸ™‚

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      2. I’m guilty of liking posts within minutes. But I read them first. I don’t comment if I don’t really like what I read though. πŸ™‚

        I wrote that page when I was 20 and painfully naive. Sometimes I cringe when I read it. Haha. But I don’t want to edit it or take it down. It reminds me how I changed. And to be honest, I did not think anybody would bother reading my posts. In the long run though, I get to meet wonderful people here who make the effort to connect so become more of an active blogger.

        The last two sentences made me smile. As what one blogger say, it is wonderful to meet kindred spirits around here. Glad to neet you. πŸ™‚

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      3. I am happy to meet you too. And the same here with comments. I am driven between ecstasy and joy reading some of the posts or the comments.

        You know, Mitch. One day, when you are much older, you are going to read this post that you wrote when you were 20 and you are going to be amazed at the insights that little girl had. Trust me, it will be like that. There are times when I see tattered old sheets of paper from two decades ago and wonder about the boy who wrote them. I love reading your posts. I do think you are a very interesting, kind and sensitive human being. (Not to mention the pretty profile pic hahaha.. can’t deny that..) But most of all, it is the genuine empathy and the unselfconscious approach that I appreciate. Of course, we are kindred souls and in more ways than you imagine. I could not possibly comment on every one of your posts without turning into a pest, but a lot of them move me. I am so very happy to be here, even though I think gloomily that it is all an illusion, an unreal world that could not possibly be true. But when I meet people like you, who say what they mean and mean what they say, it makes it all worthwhile. I am no big fan of social media of any kind, even though it is ironic that I spent all these years in the computer field. Still, this is not just satisfying, but thrilling. I almost feel like that young boy again πŸ™‚ And, if I flirt with you, it is because of that hahaha πŸ˜€ Ah, to be young again…. Sigh*** never mind.. just toothless and old enough to have “see, but not touch” etched on my forehead πŸ˜€

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      4. I will keep that in mind twenty years from now. Sometimes I happen to stumble upon my diaries and journals back in high school and I just have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to destroy them, not leaving a trace of that innocent girl who think the world is something straight out of a fairytale. But then I realize that I can never go back to those years of innocence and it is something I should treasure. Thank you for your insights.

        Haha. You must be nostalgic of the old days. It is a pleasure talking to you. My friends usually tell me that I seem too mature than my age. I just feel comfortable talking to people who are older than me. I always get a nugget of wisdom after. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Oh, please… I was old before my time, even when I was a kid… and believe me, it is no fun when you really get to the age you aspired to be πŸ˜€

        All my friends, from childhood, were men and women decades older. My best friend even now is someone 45 years older. But it is no fun.. one day, you will wish you had not grown up at all πŸ™‚

        That fairytale exists, only if we make it so. That imaginary world is our own and it exists. No matter how wise you become, that silliness, as you prefer to call it, is all the more alluring and touching and loveable. I am not at all nostalgic of my own days, but of times that are older than I. I wish I had lived in some other age.

        And yes, you are mature enough. But sometimes, give in to the wild impulsive moments and sentiments of the very young and live like that, even if it is for a brief while – with complete abandon, with not a worry, with not a trace of wisdom. You might enjoy it πŸ™‚

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      6. You remind me about old souls that I read about weeks ago. πŸ™‚

        Wow. 45 years older? That’s amazing. If only we can all stay at our preferred age.

        Indeed. We weave our own fairytales. I call it escapism. I can totally relate about wanting the old times. The past is glorious. Which period would that be?

        I will remember to do that from time to time. That’s a great suggestion. πŸ™‚

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      7. I think I would prefer to be in the 50s if it is the last century, or the second half of the 19th.. and if it were even before that, it would be in the 1600s..
        Unfortunately, I was born in those in-between times that missed the hippie, rebel, revolutionary days and also missed the computer age by just a few years, before it all began. The 70s were no fun, the end of a golden era and not yet the beginning of another one πŸ™‚

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      8. Oh, forgot to ask.. do you read Stephen King? His book 11/22/63 is quite interesting in that way. You may like it.. time travel etc πŸ™‚ It is a bit unlike King, but then again, it is quite interesting..

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      9. Oh yes, Tejaswi is my very real name πŸ™‚ Kishore Tejaswi and my classmates all used to call me KT, so much so that my curious father came to the engg college to find out what I was up to and chagrined when my entire college assured him there was no one called Kishore Tejaswi in the entire college.. until lightning struck one of the idiots and he struck his forehead saying.. oh, he is talking about KT.. goddamn!!!… Kishore Tejaswi = KT… oh….!!!!

        well, ok, no one has called me KT in decades πŸ˜€ but yes, you may call me Tejaswi. Like I said, my name.. πŸ™‚

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  6. Beautiful! I randomly choose this post and rolled my eyes through the first sentence… And believe me, i couldn’t take it off until i read the last word! You are something. You have got a talent. Imaginary friend..your own world.. Nature… You sound more like a Capricorn πŸ™‚ keep writing… All the best!

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  7. I feel this on so many levels. Appearing calm and centred from the outside, a storm raging on inside. I’m bad at showing emotion, and hide it behind a witty remark way too often. I could be angry, seething, or close to crying but no one would know, which scares em sometimes, too.
    I have the opposite problem though. I get attached to people. Badly. Sometimes they have no idea how much I care, because I’m awkward and bad at being social. And I trust people too easily and get hurt way too often, so I bring it on myself, each time. Your post really made me think about life in general πŸ™‚
    p.s. Yeah, same. I have no frickin’ idea what I want with my life. AT ALL. One minute I’ll go, I want to be a psychiatrist, the other a Siren who lures sailors to their deaths. Y’know. The usual. πŸ˜‰

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    1. Aw. Soul sisters! Tell you what, I tend to get attached too easily a long time ago but I guess my craving for solitude overpowers any yearning for company. It’s not a bad thing to get attached though as long as you don’t expect too much.

      Haha. We all have those moments, don’t we? It is harder to be certain of what we want. If it feels right, go for it. Just don’t close yourself from possiblities. πŸ™‚

      PS I like the siren bit. πŸ˜€

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