One Year Ago

I’ll tell you a secret.

I loved you. And I hated you. I’ve felt all sorts of emotions I’ve never experienced before. It was liberating and exhausting. But it’s true, what they say about time healing wounds. I feel better now. God, I feel divine.

I can look at your face without dying inside. I can see your name light up my phone and not cringe. I can look back on those memories and not feel the twinge of pain.

It’s wonderful to take back full control of my emotions. I revel in it for months and months and I can even write about it now without rolling my eyes at my utter foolishness.

But I think we still failed to put closure on what we had. We scrawled a careless comma when what we really needed was a full stop. And now it seems like the comma gave way to this:

An open-ended truce.

It’s all good on my part because I don’t really mind you being a part of my life. But I would want to draw a clear line – a line that we should never cross, no matter how tempting. We’ve been there before and it did not end well. We might get there again. But I will not let it.

I’m no fan of second chances because I believe that if we really want it bad enough, we should have done it right the first time.

I can forgive but I never forget. I mark mistakes for future reference.

You might think me heartless. Or stoic. Indifferent. You could not be more wrong.

I feel. I feel too much. That’s why I build those walls to keep unwanted things out. And when I lock the gates, I lock it tight and throw away the key. I’m not as careless as Archibald Craven. There will be no Mary Lennox to chance upon it when she wanders in the moors.

I mean it when I say that’s all there is to us.

Lahat ng mga salitang hindi ko nasabi, isusulat ko sa buhangin dahil alam kong darating ang mga alon na tatangay at magbubura ng nakaraan. At balang araw, makakalimutan rin natin na bawat munting paalam ay nagdulot ng hapdi at pagkamuhi. Sana tanging mga masasayang sandali lamang ang sasagi sa ating isipan.

I meant it, too, when I told you to be happy.

I hope you’re happy.

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9 thoughts on “One Year Ago

  1. Wow . I din’t know you were a Filipina, until I saw the Filipino language.

    I agree wholeheartedly about what you wrote here/ Im no fan of second chances , either. People do make mistakes, but in matters of love, mistakes are betrayals, and they affect what is most important in a relationship….. trust.

    An yes, like you, I can forgive, but I never forget. ( Unless we get amnesia ) And therefore, there’s just no way it will ever go back to what it used to be. Never.

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    1. Omg. I have no idea that you didn’t know. Haha. Yes, I’m a Filipina. But I don’t usually use Filipino since I’m more comfortable with English when I’m writing. And I speak a different dialect. πŸ˜€

      Indeed. That’s what I hate the most about betrayals. I can’t trust them the same way again.

      I hope we don’t get to have amnesia. Haha. I second your never. Thanks for dropping by, Ren. Have a great weekend! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “Words are cheap.” So true. When we recklessly forgive, people might think they have a permission to tread on us over and over again. We might be a lot of things, but being a doormat must not be one of them.

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      2. It so happens that people who cheat rarely go back to the person they have cheated on. That’s good. Cheating is not just a mistake …. cheating is part of one’s character, and therefore it will happen again and again in other forms, , if not in direct cheating, We can take that to the bank.

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  2. I can relate. Sentimentally so.. and I trully believe no going back is the best option. Second chances are all overrated and done for. Yes if we trully wanted it so bad…we should have done it right the first time..no need crawling back to make it right..that shit don’t just sit right..The heart is supposed to be locked tight so broken hearts don’t bag a second fight. Nice one.

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