Dealing with Crossroads

 

At different points in our life, we will meet a crossroad that will force us to choose. It will be a difficult choice. Often, we are torn, both by our fears and our expectations. But we will pick one in the end, and the outcome will determine whether we made the right choice or the wrong one.

It has become my habit lately to withdraw inwardly and detach myself from the world around me. I am consumed by the thoughts in my head. They become too loud to ignore any further. So I listen, I reflect, I compare and  I deduce. It seems that all I ever get is even more confusion. I’ve never felt so wretched about my present state. I am sure I wanted something to happen. This has occurred before, like an impending doom that led me to change the course I was travelling on.

First, there’s the feeling of restlessness, a  nagging thought prods me to do something. Then I feel complacent. My life seems like an endless monotony, and I want to break it. Everyday is a routine. Sometimes, I have to force myself out of bed because the temptation to stay there indefinitely is so overwhelming. Work has become an escape from boredom. At least there, I get to do something. But that solace is soon ruined. Nothing can motivate me to write, not even the piles of assignment thrown my way when we lose several heads. I find no joy in stringing words together. There is no longer harmony. No rhythm to speak of its fluidity.

The job I love is slowly becoming a monstrous task I have to conquer each passing day. Sometimes, when it is too much, I let my mind wander. I succumb to daydreams. If one will turn it into a job, I will surely excel in it. Effortlessly.

When nighttime comes, I find it difficult to sleep. My mind is a workaholic machine that refuses to rest, even if my body badly suffers from fatigue. I toss and I turn. But still, incessant thoughts swirl in my head. It is a terrible state to be in, and nothing works even if I curse myself time and time again.

I find distraction in the form of books and the World Cup, but though I linger on those sphere for a while, I still go back to my dissatisfied existence. And each time, it only gets worse.

I understand after many weeks that I crave for  change. I want a new environment. I want to do something that will fulfill not just my passion, but my very soul. I want to have a challenge. To make me agitated, to force me to work with grace under pressure. I want to do something meaningful, something that will leave my unique mark in it. I want to be driven out of my comfort zone, because everything I have right now lost its luster.

I cannot continue living this way. But I am not doing anything about it.

The thought, though appealing and even exhilarating, terrifies me. Somehow, I’m scared of drifting out into the terrifying world of uncertainty. I need to stay where I’m safe.

I wonder if you also have to deal with something like this, or if I should simply blame it all to an overactive and over-analyzing mind. If I ask you, would you rather stay somewhere safe, in the comfort of familiarity, or will you be brave enough to venture out and embrace change?

The obvious answer may be the latter. The thing is, are you ready for it? Are you absolutely sure you can face it and stand by that choice no matter what?

It’s an easy question to answer. But doing it is an entirely different matter.