I’m a solitary soul.
My friends always tell me to stop being weird and act more like a normal female. They shake their heads in disbelief when I tell them that my ultimate dream in life is to be a hermit. (I’m partly serious about it.) Or if it’s too impossible, I might just live my life as a spinster. They wouldn’t have it that way either.
Well, I never had a boyfriend. And it’s hilarious when people don’t believe me once I tell them so. They usually ask me why.
As cliche as it may sound, it’s by choice. It doesn’t mean that I don’t try to imagine myself being with someone. It’s just that everytime I do, it gives me the shivers. And it’s definitely not in a good way. Some say I’m scared of commitments. Somehow, they’re right. I revel in my freedom. I’m not too eager about emotional ties and relationship obligations.
But I think the reason why I don’t jump into a relationship at every chance is because I’m waiting for something.
I think it’s that “feeling.”
The feeling of meeting someone for the first time and he took your breath away, of getting to know him and liking the person that you see. It’s feeling the butterflies in your stomach, and having your knees turn to jelly by just the sight of him. It’s meeting his gaze across the room and getting lost in each other’s eyes. It’s having someone to think about at the end of the day, and just the thought of them can make you smile after all the crap you have to go through. But more importantly, it’s feeling that pure and noble love. That even if your feelings are not reciprocated, you are still certain that you love that person selflessly, unconditionally.
Love is too big a word for me. I understand so much about it, and I wouldn’t settle for anything less.
I want it all. Roses and fireworks. Thunder and lightning. Forever and always.
Okay. That’s the idealist in me speaking. I know it’s ridiculous to sugar-coat love. It’s not always like that in the real world.
But if you ask the cynical in me, she’ll only tell you not to put too many colors in things. There’s no such thing as forever. No Prince Charming. No happy-ever-afters. The truth is, in life, you will get hurt. There is pain and loss and grief. You just need to be strong enough to withstand the storm and come out as a stronger and better person.
And there I go rambling about my scattered thoughts. I guess, I’m just trying to complicate everything.
So yes, back to my simple and mundane existence. After the earth-shattering experience last Tuesday and too many aftershocks the last three days, I think I won’t ever complain for the things I don’t have and the even greater things that I miss.